Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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