so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
