I can tuck mytits in my pants
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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