hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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