it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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