Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
