Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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