worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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