Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
