i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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