when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
We had to coat check the pizza.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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