i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
