nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
