Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
