oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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