i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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