did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
