Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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