we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
