I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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