Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
