i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
