On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
