I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
