The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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