You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
