Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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