the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
