To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
