hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
