this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
