I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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