Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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