Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
