Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
