I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
