you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
