Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
