There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
