if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
