I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
