You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
