so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize