today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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