Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize