Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
