bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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