dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
