and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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