ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize