im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize