My cat gives me a boner
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
