id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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