The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
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