I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
