Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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