I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
